Editor’s Note: This is a complete work of fiction, and is meant as a joke. I have nothing but love for Lumberjack sports. Go Jacks. Go.

After a four-game losing streak, NAU men’s basketball was looking forward to returning to the court to win back some pride. Unfortunately, they were not prepared for the surprise match by the The Avengers of Marvel State University on Feb. 15, when the opponents walked away with a remarkable 162-3 win against the Jacks.

“We didn’t see them coming,” said junior guard Cameron Jones. “We thought we were going to play Oklahoma, and then these guys showed up. But we played the best game we had, and we should be proud of that.”

The Avengers opened the game with a 30-0 run, and junior forward Shane Johannsen had the ball stolen from his possession 34 times in the first 15 minutes. Jones responded with a brief 6-0 run, but was surprised to discover that he had been scoring on his own basket due to a mystical illusion by Avengers senior center Doctor Stephen Strange.

“Oh my God,” Jones said.

With 10 seconds left in the first half, an unfettered Johannsen went up for a dunk, but was stopped in his tracks when freshmen forward Spider-Man, posting up on top of his team’s basket, used his webs to steal the ball, whip it around the court and place it in the Jacks’ hoop for a full-court three-point shot.

“Do you know who I am?” Spider-Man said. “I’m the man with the plan! I’m hanging out upside down. ‘Cause I can. I’m Spider-Man!”

Despite an impressive and record-breaking lead, Avengers head coach Captain America went into halftime criticizing his team for what he saw as “unsportsmanlike conduct.”

“I was disappointed in my team today,” America said. “They really didn’t play the game fairly. Those college boys didn’t know what was coming.”

America pleaded with his team to ease up on the super-power usage, but his players did not pay much attention to his words.

“He whines a lot,” said sophomore guard Iron Man. “I don’t even know why he’s our head coach. Somebody should really shoot that guy. With a gun. That’d show him.”

At the start of the second half, Avenger junior center Bruce Banner was put into play. After four flagrant fouls, he became enraged and transformed into a raging monstrosity only known as The Hulk. The beast then incorporated his “Hulk Smash” play. The devastating attack resulted in a three-point basket from half court for the Jacks. It also destroyed half the court, instantly ending the game and decapitating junior forward Eric Platt.

“Hulk was made sad by easy win,” Hulk said. “Lumberjack should be big and tough. Where the (expletive) Paul Bun-yun? These kids disappointed Hulk.”

Platt was too dead to comment.

Head coach Mike Adras was surprised at his team’s difficulties.

“Wow,” Adras said. “That’s what you get when you have super powers, I guess. If superheroes were always involved in athletics, I bet it would be, like, eight million times better.”