Rating
3.0

Yes, it’s all about seeing robots fight in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen…

I had a rather unhealthy morning today. For breakfast, it was biscuits and gravy, complemented with delicious bacon and sausage. It was smothered in grease, and while it may have been an awesome way to start the day, it wasn’t the healthiest breakfast in the universe. I followed that with a large root beer in my sweet Harkins Theater Loyalty Cup while I sat and watched Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

Oh, an unhealthy morning indeed, both physically and psychologically.

But like most things that are bad for you that don’t involve razor blades, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I had fun. Yes, I enjoyed watching all the big, stupid things happening in front of me. I enjoyed watching the CGI crap run into other CGI crap while the thin string that represents the only semblance of the film’s plot dangled in front of me. And that is more than I can say for the first Transformers. I hated the first Transformers.

The sequel continues the story from the first film, where the Autobots® (aka the good, colorful robots with the blue eyes) have beaten back the Decepticons® (the bad, black/silver robots with the red eyes), and are now assisting the United States government in military missions to destroy the remaining evil machines. Curious thought: why is the U.S. the only country even remotely aware of bitchin’ alien robots that turn into cars? And why would the Transformers even want to help the United States over, say, the war-torn continent of Africa?

Anyway, some tiny shred of the first movie’s plot has messed with the mind of our human protagonist Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), and he is seeing symbols, which are connected to the Decepticons® plan to beat back both the Autobots® and the human race. Thus Sam is off on a mission to save the world, despite the fact that these “Transform-Wars” (I just made that up) are really cramping his plans of going to college and maintaining a long distance relationship with his super foxy g.f. Megan Fox (I don’t remember her character’s name, but everybody just knows her as Megan Fox, so why not just call her that?). Along for the ride with Sam are Fox, Sam’s annoying college roommate (Ramon Rodriguez), the crazy scientist guy from the first movie (John Turturro) and, for some reason, Sam’s parents (Kevin Dunn and Julie White).

Oh, the robots are there too. The humans run, and that gives a reason for Optimus Prime™ to box around with Megatron™, and The Fallen(™?) to work his evil plans — seemingly to blot out the sun? It is never exactly made clear, but all the ingredients are there. This is Transformers, and the joy of watching cars, jets and household appliances inexplicably turn into robots is abounding for those who are into that sort of thing.

The first installment in the adaptation of the popular Hasbro® toy line put me to sleep, simply because the plot was useless and the action was indefinable. Such was not the case in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. To my complete vexation, I actually had a pretty good time while my IQ was forced down into my stomach. However, the length eventually got to me, and by the end I was tired and bored. Comparatively, I was as bored by the end of Transformers 2 as many people were with the recent Watchmen adaptation. Some people don’t enjoy 2 ½ hours of existential superhero talk, and I can only handle crap running into other crap for so long. Such is the way of the world.

But the length wasn’t the only thing that bothered me about Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. There was the uselessness of the parental figures, the racist robots (look ‘em up: Skids and Mudflap), the fact that pages of the script are made up of the words “run” and “look out,” the simple truth that the transforming of the robots makes not a lick of sense, the retarded amount of slow motion, Michael Bay’s face in the back of my mind… the list is possibly endless. There was a lot to dislike about this flick.

But the moral of the story is that despite the length, despite all the awfulness that is this film, I sort of like Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. It has that same stupid charm that keeps my ass planted when I happen to find 1998’s Armageddon playing on FX. That movie is also completely stupid, but God help me, I enjoy watching it. Because sometimes something unhealthy is okay, so long as you know it’s bad for you.

3 stars (2 stars for the movie, 1 star because I liked it more than I should have)