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Final Fantasy XIII is a really big deal. Not only is it the newest installment in one of the most prolific franchises in gaming, but it is being hailed as the savior of the Japanese style RPG. Recognizing the magnitude of this release, I stressed about how I was going to write this review. I wrote a bunch of openings, trying to achieve the perfect introduction. Some were cutesy; some serious. In the end, I figured you all just want to hear about the game itself, so I decided to just…

At the end of last year, Square Enix released Final Fantasy: Dissidia, a game in which the main characters from ten Final Fantasy games duke it out with the ten central antagonists. The game is decently fun and rich with the series’ history, but the plot manages to be even dumber than its premise would lead you to believe, and the script reads like a seven year old’s fan fiction. An illiterate seven year old.

Anyway, when you load up the game and pass the unnecessarily long tutorial, you are…

No, not really; I just liked the “shock and awe” factor for the headline, considering what happened a couple weeks ago. Anyway, no new Press Start this week. Don’t kill yourselves, the hiatus will be short. I’m just trying to find a job right now that will complement my other job of writing for no pay…that, and I can’t leave Yahoo! Sports just in case the Suns trade Stoudemire. Tune in next Thursday for a new installment. Teaser: it’s the most epic column in the history of the earth, and…

This week, I decided to take the easy way out and interview my girlfriend, a non-gamer, about the state of gaming industry. I had the idea mainly because I thought the headline would sound awesome. Turns out it’s really not awesome at all, but I found her insight and perspective very interesting, and I think it accurately reflects the perception of society in general regarding gaming. Enjoy. Or don’t.

Shaun: Okay, let’s start with this. What exactly is it about games that is unappealing to you? What has…

Meghan: Do…

I know a family with nine siblings. The eldest is a successful architect who makes upwards of $200,000 a year. The youngest is a bum who I think worked at Del Taco for about three weeks one time. My theory on this disparity is the oldest brothers and sisters sucked all of the intelligence out of the parents’ genes, so that by the time the youngest kids were born, there was simply nothing left. I’m pretty sure that’s how genetics works.

I’m hoping this same phenomena was the problem with…

Some of you may have noticed Press Start was not updated last week. For that, I apologize. Too much turkey. Most of you probably noticed nothing. My feelings are hurt, but I will soldier on.

Anyway, for my last column of the semester, I wanted to do a list of the best games of 2009. Over the years, my “Top Five” list in The Lumberjack has managed to garner an astonishing amount of prestige, so I thought it would be appropriate to keep it going. Like, so much prestige that you could…

On November 15, the blandly titled New Super Mario Bros. Wii comes out. In order to prepare accordingly for this latest entry in the stellar Mario franchise, I have compiled an A-Z guide covering the Mario universe. I saw this format in a magazine once, and decided to try it. So there.

Airship–First introduced in Super Mario Bros. 3, the airships replaced the castles of the original Mario game with floating fortresses filled to the brim with death. Cannon balls, wrenches, and every other painful object you could think of fly through…

5. BioShock–Heralded as a modern classic, BioShock’s horror elements are often overlooked, which is a terrible oversight. The underwater city already has an environment that is both hopeless and eerily desolate, but this is only the beginning. Lights will go pitch black, flickering on again to reveal a disfigured maniac standing completely still right behind you. Blood soaks the walls of medical wards, where genetic experiments went horribly wrong. Even (expletive) ghosts show up to haunt the city. Bioshock succeeds where other games fail because the entire world is crafted with a common…

At E3 2009, there was a picture released that was supposedly a teaser for the next Zelda game. In my E3 blowout that you all read from start to finish, probably multiple times, I decided not to talk about it…because it was just a picture. Apparently, I am an idiot–there are now posts in forums all over the internet with speculation on what the picture means, ranging anywhere from half-baked gameplay guesses to full-scale plot analysis. The most prominent one I have heard thus far is that, because…

By now, you have no doubt heard about the Academy Award’s decision to increase the best picture nominations from five to 10. Since I have an opinion on all topics meaningless, I think it’s an okay move.  This gives films that could have been overlooked, like Star Trek andStreet Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li a great shot at a nomination now.  However, many people are outraged, for reasons I don’t care about because I disagree with them.  The point is, this award ceremony is prestigious and respected enough to cause a moderate…

After watching Animal Planet this summer, I had a particularly vivid fever dream that inspired a new game, one I want to pitch to Nintendo. Actually, it is a trilogy of games. These games are based on the three things that nerds love most in the world…and then I mixed in zebras for good measure. The first title is Zombie Robot Ninja Zebras, followed by Revenge of the Zombie Robot Ninja Zebras, and finally, Revenge of the Zombie Robot Ninja Zebras 2: Back for more Revenge. I haven’t given any real thought to gameplay, but the…

A couple weeks ago, a friend and I were going over things that needed to die. I threw out frivolous things bother me, like “Michael Bay movies,” or “Fortunetellers who try to get you to believe they know you by saying things like ‘Sometimes things happen life that don’t quite meet your expectations.’” He said things decidedly less frivolous, like “my parents” and “people that disagree with me.” I realized at this moment that we were not playing the same game and became very uncomfortable. Anyway, considering this “hate list”…

Hello again, readers. It is with a moderate level of sadness that I report the column formerly known as “Gaming” has died a tragic and unceremonious death (seemingly based on unjustified whims), and with it any and all video game coverage in The Lumberjack.

However, that’s where I come in. Some of you already know me as the former gaming columnist, and may remember my final column of last semester, where I tragically signed off of the newspaper “forever” while wielding a ninja sword. Forever is in quotations because it…