First I was like, “Ew, no,” and then she was like, “Stop it,” and I was like, “You stop it,” and then he was like, “What are you even talking about?” and I was like, “Shut up,” and he was like, “You shut up,” and then…

You know where that was going–nowhere. If you could even get that far. It’s painful, isn’t it? All work and no play might make Jake a dull boy, but too many “likes” just drive Jake–and everyone else–insane. How did the “like” trend even start?

“Like” usually means one of two things. It either means “similar to” or “fond of.” That’s pretty much it. In no way, shape, or form, at any point in time, has “like” meant anything remotely close to “said.” It doesn’t make any sense. I’m sure there’s some etymology expert who can tell me how it came to be, but I couldn’t find his number. Must have left the napkin somewhere. Oh well.

But that’s, like, just how it is. It’s how we talk.

Countless times I’ve heard people ask and complain about how the way the English language is supposed to be written. Everyone seems to wonder why you can’t just write the way you speak, and sometimes I let myself fall into the trap of asking that same question.

I’ll admit, sometimes writing can feel like an act of translation. You have to take your thoughts and words and translate them from the way you would normally say them in casual conversation to the more formal language of writing. It can get exhausting, and it makes you wonder why you bother. If everyone has to do this translation, wouldn’t it be easier to just write the way we speak and avoid the whole frustration and confusion altogether? Well, yes, it would be easier. But it’s a very bad idea.

The reason we don’t write the way we speak is because most of us speak like morons. We blabber like a bunch of idiots, tossing in “likes” and slang and abbreviations. Writing the way we speak–exactly–might actually be more painful than the translation to formal written English.

So, until most of us can speak like intelligent people in casual conversation, I’m going to continue to support writing in proper English with nice, pretty grammar.