Fizz Out
1. Dempsey-dumping blond Reese Witherspoon gets Hollywood star:
Receiving a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame is like winning the jackpot in Vegas; it’s a HUGE DEAL. In a big city like Los Angeles, many can see why obtaining such an honor is so important. Yeah, so it’s not exactly an Academy Award (or even a Golden Globe), but hey, it’s pretty epic. After the release of her latest movie, How Do You Know, Reese Witherspoon unveiled her achievement on Wednesday with help from her two children, Ava and Deacon. As honorary as this achievement is, each celebrity has a certain set of criteria they must meet in order to be walked on by countless homeless people on Hollywood Boulevard. To receive a golden star, one must boast professional achievements, longevity of five years in the entertainment field and contributions to the community. Surprisingly, Hollywood takes some things seriously, unlike The Rock and his pointy eyebrows.
2. Do not touch my BlackBerry!:
Transformers star Josh Duhamel likes his gadgets. He likes them so much he was kicked off (politely escorted out) of an airplane on Thursday when he refused to turn off his BlackBerry before takeoff. Duhamel was on his way to Kentucky when a flight attendant asked him to turn off his phone. Duhamel, being the douche he is, replied with raucous laughter and started taunting the attendant. After a call was made for backup, the plane taxied back to the gate, and Duhamel was escorted off. Josh, have you not heard about the controversial issue of airport security? People are being groped by complete strangers in the name of national security, and you’re going to pitch a fit over someone asking you to turn off your phone? It’s almost like he thought his BlackBerry was going to transform into Optimus Prime and save him from the evil Decepticons of the TSA. Better stick to battling intergalactic robots with Megan Fox and call it a day.
3. Susan Boyle vs. Poker Faces and California GiIn:
In the 2010 Grammy Awards, the Britain’s Got Talent runner-up is now competing with Gaga and Katy Perry for the Best Pop Vocal Album. Wow, I never thought the day would come when a reality talent show would pop out a 49-year-old Scottish singing sensation like Susan Boyle. It’s almost like the Cinderella story of Justin Guarini (runner-up to Kelly Clarkson) in American Idol’s 2002 season. At least we know she had a better outcome. Boyle, who is famous for singles including “Dreamed a Dream,” has sold more than 10 million copies of her new album, The Gift. I think it’s safe to say her musical career will go further than that of Vanilla Ice.
4. Vampire-killer may be fighting off Bubba instead:
Former vampire-slashing actor Wesley Snipes may be fighting off orange jumpsuits after his sentence from a federal judge on Friday convicting him of negligence to file income tax returns. The Hollywood star’s bid for a new trial rejected, Snipes now faces a three-year jail sentence. Surprisingly, he’s still trying to revoke his sentencing — even though, in 2008, his appeal for a “willful failure to file tax returns” was also denied. When celebrities are told “no,” they keep pushing and pushing until they get what they want. Luckily, U.S. District Judge Terrell Hodges is sticking to his decision, stating, “The defendant Snipes had a fair trial … The time has come for the judgment to be enforced.” Finally, a judge who abides by the rules of society that everyone else has to follow.
5. Mistresses unite:
It appears Tiger Woods’ concubines aren’t finished with their 15 minutes of fame just yet. In conjunction with the alleged mistresses of Jesse James and David Arquette, Gina Rodriguez has created a management company that specializes in Hollywood home-wreckers. Rodriguez, a former porn star, has managed to create success out of scandal. Projects include multiple reality television series (because we all know how classy that is), adult films, a cosmetic line called “Scandalous” and in-depth memoirs describing all the juicy details of a pro golfer’s love life. Ladies, let me clarify: No one cares about you past the point of who you’ve slept with; stop trying to be stars. Besides your sexual escapades, we don’t want to see your over-done faces anymore.
6. I’m Chuck Norris, b—-:
Texas Ranger star Chuck Norris doesn’t have to pretend anymore: The 70-year-old king of badassness (yes, I know this is not a real word) is going to be honored with the title of real life Texas Ranger. Gov. Rick Perry is honoring the star and his brother by inducting them into the famed police enforcement agency throughout the state of Texas. I don’t know how to tell you this Mr. Perry, but Chuck Norris is more of a Texas Ranger than any actual ranger; he has a Ph.D in kicking ass and taking names, and no ceremony is going to change that.
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