Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to my final column ever for The Lumberjack. I wanted to start this column with a joke, but apparently it didn’t come across in text. So you get this ultra-generic opening instead.  

For the last column, I decided to make a list of random gaming observations. The bigwigs at The Lumberjack didn’t want me bestowing these little nuggets of wisdom on you, but I was like, “Whatever, man!” and I stuck it to them. It’s my last column, and I’ll write random stuff if I want to.

If you are ever walking to class and see a crate, any crate ever, break it open. As every game ever created has shown us, all crates have prizes in them, ranging from gold to equipment.

- If you are ever walking to class and see a crate, any crate ever, break it open. As every game ever created has shown us, all crates have prizes in them, ranging from gold to equipment. 

- However, don’t break red crates or barrels. These storage containers always explode and are strategically placed by the antagonists to wipe out maximum numbers of themselves when detonated.

- The PlayStation 3 continues to lag behind the other consoles in terms of sales, overall quality of exclusive games and general public perception. Ken Kutaragi, former chief executive officer of Sony, once said the price of the PS3, in reality, was too low, and that people would work more hours to purchase one. How’s that workin’ out for ya, Ken?  

- Sonic the Hedgehog, for all intents and purposes, is trapped in a perpetual purgatory. Relying on my credentials as gaming columnist for The Lumberjack, I contacted Sega to ask what the hell happened to their once-cherished mascot. Here are the transcripts from my side of that phone call.  
“Hey, Sega….hmm…you decided to ignore the fans’ simple desire for speed in a Sonic game and opted to make Sonic Unleashed instead?…so, instead of speed, Sonic is actually going to turn into a big, slow werewolf…yeah, how did that idea not work?…yeah, I think hitting the drawing board again is a good idea…wouldn’t want to do something like destroy the image of your mascot and let down your fans year after year after year with terrible Sonic games…exactly, good thing that hasn’t happened yet…okay, sounds good…no, you hang up…no, you hang up!”  
Those Sega execs. So silly. 

- Games don’t tell cinematic stories as well as cinema does, but they don’t have to. By tapping into the medium’s strengths, games can deliver experiences that are equally entertaining and arguably more immersive than films. 

- With that in mind, some gaming cutscenes are awful and need some serious work. This starts with the writing. Seriously, in formulating the dialogue of the antagonists, there must be some bingo machine with phrases like “Time to die!” or “How nice of you to join us!” or “Let’s finish this!” written on the balls. Then, in lottery fashion, these balls are drawn and the villains’ dialogue is chosen. Ta-da! 

- Speaking of villains, it’s difficult for me to believe so many antagonists want to destroy the world. They work so hard to gain that power, and they just want to use it to kill everything, including themselves? That’s like Obama winning the presidency and then riding a nuke into the White House, Dr. Strangelove-style. Why would he do that?

- If you are ever being pursued, hiding in cardboard boxes until the heat dies off appears to be an effective solution.  

- Huge oversight: not including mute buttons for your squad mates in certain games. I don’t want to hear Cole from Gears of War speak in his laughably racist “black” slang, and I really don’t want to hear my squad mates in Star Fox 64. “Do a barrel roll!”

- I also don’t want to hear John Madden in my football games. You would think in a medium where everything is pre-recorded and censored, they could manage to make John Madden sound like a halfway sensible individual who knows something (anything!) about football.

- The baby versions of Nintendo mascots — what a (expletive) terrible idea that was.  

- Whatever happened to the shooter genre? I mean, there are only like, what, 40 different shooter franchises that fans have to choose from? Enough with the original IPs that come out once or twice a year and revolutionize the industry; we need more shooters! It’s easy to get caught up in being original and creative, but let’s not forget about the little guys, developers.  

- Dying? Stay at the inn for a night — just one night is fine — and you’ll be cured of all ailments.

Well, that’s it for me. On a serious note, thanks for listening to all of my rants about gaming for the past two years, and good luck in all of your gaming endeavors. Especially online; those guys are a-holes.