Film critic discusses what it takes to review movies, and why you probably aren’t as informed as you think you are.

I started writing for The Lumberjack in January 2007. Back when my word count was small and my aspirations were large, my first assignment was to review Primeval (a rather forgettable film about a killer crocodile). I remember finishing that review, in which I called an actor an idiot and confessed my love for crap like Deep Blue Sea and Orca, and feeling very confident that I had written a masterpiece.

Nearly two-and-a-half years have passed since that review, and I am still analyzing films. I have been open to other writers filling  the position on the grounds that they will take movie reviewing seriously. But a review is an educated opinion, and most people aren’t as educated as they think they are.

Now the reader says, “Turn that pompous and icy sword back at yourself, buddy man.” And I do. People may not believe it, but I often ask myself why my opinion should matter. At the end of the day, I have determined my opinion is valuable because a) I have studied the art of filmmaking, by not only analyzing the craft of moviemaking itself, but also in producing and directing my own feature film projects, and b) I hold myself to a small set of rules that I believe makes my critiques at the very least reliable, even if you might not agree with them.

Watch the movie: This doesn’t mean going to the theater and playing with your cell phone. I mean really watch a movie. Consider nothing you are looking at is natural or “real-life.” The sights, sounds and language that make up every movie you’ve ever seen were manufactured to instill a specific series of emotions. That chill that runs down your spine when Kevin Spacey lectures Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman during the car ride near the end of Se7en is not just you. It’s designed. People made you do that. There is music in that scene. Did you notice? You should have.

Teach people something: Being a movie critic means you have seen more movies than most people and have taken time to learn things about them. Is what you are watching a remake? You should probably see the original, or at the very least admit when you haven’t. Is the sound or the picture in the movie theater not properly calibrated? I saw The Dark Knight four times in four separate theaters, and the weakest experience was the first because of how improperly the sound was set up in the Harkins Flagstaff 11. When you teach people something, they walk away from the movie review with a higher respect for your credentials, which are eternally in question.

Don’t back down: When you’re a movie critic, people have a tendency to disagree with you. Friends, family and coworkers will rip into your oh-so-special opinion. Whether they know it or not, they love to do this, mostly because you get paid for your opinion.

But I say don’t let them break you. Everybody has an opinion, but yours needs to be founded in logic. I have experienced this time and again with Twilight devotees, and I have never argued with any fangirl or boy who didn’t walk away defeated. Granted, that’s just easy, because even those who adore the cheesy-vamp-lovefest know it’s trash, but I think the point is clear.

Sometimes it feels good to be bad: I believe it is very important to recognize when you’ve had a good time at a bad movie. This was a lesson I learned after rereading my review for Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters. I maintain that it was a bad movie, but I had a great time because of just how silly it was. My review did not reflect that, and it’s a point that I believe was unfair of me to leave out. 

I learned my lesson, and have since been very open about when I have enjoyed films that are almost certainly garbage. Rambo is a terrible movie, but my critique was honest when I said my manliness ensured I would have a good time. This allows you a certain level of rapport, because admitting your own biases allows the reader to form a more well-rounded opinion of what a movie has to offer.

As I’ve been writing this, I have kept my first review open on the desktop, looking back when I need a moment to reflect. It has been a long time since I wrote that piece, and to be honest, it isn’t a masterpiece, but it’s a solid review. 

I take a lot of comfort in knowing my first review wasn’t totally off base. Albert Einstein wrote, “The individual must not merely wait and criticize, he must defend the cause the best he can. The fate of the world will be such as the world deserves.” The same can be said for movies, and I have never felt as though I didn’t give a critique that wasn’t founded. It says a lot to me about what it takes to review films, and more than two years later, I still believe I have those qualifications.