Let’s start this week off with a little something for the sports fans. Jose Canseco played baseball for the Oakland A’s, the Texas Rangers, the New York Yankees, the Boston Red Sox and the Chicago White Sox. He’s a two-time World Series champion, and the 1988 MLB MVP.

But I’d say he’s really best known for his tell-all book. You know, the one where he basically calls out everyone in the league for using steroids. Including himself. Really, really stupid idea. Possibly even more stupid than using steroids, but not quite as stupid as trying to sneak Mexican prescription drugs across the border.

This is  exactly what Mr. Canseco is being charged with in federal court. What drug did he try to smuggle, you ask? Was it Vicodin, to relieve the baseball aches? Prozac, to ease the lonely friendlessness that comes with being a nark? Rohypnol (roofies), because that smug base-baller charm wore off?

Apparently, he was smuggling Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (HCG). According to WebMD, HCG is for treating…(drum roll)…low sperm count! I wonder what Jose did that shrank his balls? If I knew more about baseball, I could make a funny sports analogy. Bummer, man. 

Has anyone else noticed how hot Howard Stern’s new wife is? Apparently, Howard and the lovely Beth Ostrosky have been dating since 2000, and got engaged about 20 months ago. Did anyone else know about this?

I feel like that beast of a man having such a fine-looking wife is something everyone should have known about. I mean, she’s a model, and he’s…sort of funny, I guess. Just goes to show you, guys: some women really do just want a guy that will make them laugh.

Has anyone seen Janet Jackson lately? Is it me, or is she looking more and more like her brother Michael? She just looks really…manufactured? Produced? What’s the word for when you sort of look like your face is full of poison?

In any event, Janet is currently touring. Actually, she was, but she’s been sick the last few weeks, and had to cancel a bunch of shows. Her manager is now reporting that she has migraines, or vertigo, or vertigo caused by migraines. 

I think it’s probably the Botox leaking into her brain. I’m just saying. That would probably give me vertigo. Or make me hemorrhage and die. Something like that.

In other hemorrhaging news, J-Lo (who?) and Marc Anthony (who??) renewed their vows Oct. 12 in the city of romance itself, Las Vegas, at the most logical and sound time to do anything in Vegas: 3 a.m.

I have a few questions here. Why was it necessary to renew their vows after only four years of marriage? Don’t people usually do that kind of thing after, I don’t know, 25 years? Maybe that’s how celeb relationship years translate to regular people years. You know, like there’s seven dog years to one people year.

My other question: what happened to those two? When was the last time either of them did anything noteworthy? Did I just miss it? It’s like they got married, and then disappeared. Not that I mind. I wasn’t a huge fan of either.

That’s going to do it for me this week. Hope everyone is getting through midterms mostly unscathed. Just remember: we’re halfway there. And then next semester starts, and then the next, on and on, until you graduate. Then you have to work for the rest of your life. Woo!